Enough

            New Years’ Resolutions have always bothered me. I’ve never made them and I never will. People ask me why and I explain to them it just doesn’t make sense. If it’s important enough to you to change, why do you need to wait until a holiday to do it? If you need the holiday for it to be important to you then it surely won’t work long term.

            One thing that my dad always tells me is - when it’s important enough to you, then you will change it. That advice has been hitting ever closer to home over the past month or so.

            I’ve had a pretty crazy week. Between beginning a new semester, changing jobs, keeping up with my writing, and trying to find some time to be social, my calendar is pretty full. As I’ve been examining everything I have going on, however, I have really grown to appreciate the grounding forces I do have: art, music, writing, and reading - the little things.

             The constraints are frustrating, though. As most creative types probably understand very well, everything flows smoother when you have larger blocks of time on your hands. I have two novels  currently in process and I find myself getting a good way in, then getting bogged down and when I come back, it’s like seeing an old acquaintance after five years apart.

            Long story short, I’ve reached my ‘enough’ point that my dad has been telling me about. Whether I have to get up at 5 am or work into the silent hours of the morning (which are wonderful for writing by the way), I have decided that I need to readjust my priorities. Certainly school and work have to come first, but I’m not fulfilled without have time to work on my novels. I lose a little piece of myself every day that I can’t find time to work them into my schedule, and I refuse to let it keep happening.

            In an attempt to make a cliché about clichés - clichés exist for a reason. Life is just too short to feel that way for more than a few days in a row, so I’m changing it.

            Here’s to knowing what you love, knowing that it makes you a better person, and finding a way to keep it in your life.

P.S. I've decided I'm going to start posting a quote at the end of my thoughts from now on, something that relates to what I've been writing about that day. Maybe make a game out of who can guess the person who said it (I'll add a picture to make it easier). Here's today's:

"It is so easy to be hopeful in the daytime when you can see the things you wish on. But it was night, it stayed night. Night was striding across nothingness with the whole round world in his hands"

Aging and The Family Tree

            For some reason the idea of aging has never really bothered me. My mom says I’ve been forty since I was five, so maybe it will start to bother me then. Earlier today, however, I had an experience that really hit home.

            My dad’s mother came to visit this afternoon and brought some old family pictures that she wanted my mom to scan and make copies. Having the capability to see several generations of your family in a few photos immediately in front of you can really make you feel small. I had heard about a few of the people, but for the most part, I was looking at complete strangers.

            After seeing these pictures I went to my mother and discovered that she had pictures of her side of the family as well, and hers were significantly older than my paternal grandmother’s. In a matter of seconds I could literally trace the majority of my family tree since the invention of the photograph.

            So many of my relatives already gone, yet they were sitting right in front of me. It shook me to the core. As outdated as the people appeared, the pictures were in pristine condition.

Great Grandmother - 1927

            Hopefully later rather than sooner I will be in those photographs, or three-dimensional digital imagery, whatever people invent next. These pictures were a bridge through time, and somewhere down the road, a picture may be all that’s left of me as well. It’s an uncomfortable thought for anyone, but it’s not without its own silver lining. In the midst of all the turmoil life throws our way, we are increasingly capable of documenting ourselves, whether it’s through pictures, books, art, or the internet. My ancestors left me a 5x7, why don’t I do my part? Why don’t I search for that way to endure, to transcend time? Maybe it’s through writing, and maybe it’s not, but I will keep searching.

            Here’s to time, the single force humans may never overcome, but our efforts are filled with beauty.

Mother's Family

Father's Family